What if the next level of success isn’t about doing more, achieving more, or becoming more valuable? What if it’s about finally getting your life back?

I want to talk to the women who have done everything right.

You’ve built the career.

You’ve earned the title.

You’ve climbed the ladder, collected the credentials, managed the teams, and become the person everyone depends on.

You’re the problem solver. The decision-maker. The woman who gets shit done.

And from the outside, your life looks pretty damn successful.

But I have a question for you.

Are you actually enjoying it?

Not the recognition. Not the paycheck. Not the satisfaction of checking another accomplishment off your list.

I mean your actual life.

Your mornings. Your relationships. Your body. Your energy. Your freedom. Your ability to experience joy without feeling like you should be doing something productive instead.

Because I work with high-performing people, and I’m noticing something that I think we need to talk about.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve started treating ourselves like businesses that need constant optimization.

More efficient.

More productive.

More educated.

More valuable.

And we’ve forgotten that we’re human beings who are supposed to be experiencing the lives we’re working so hard to create.

That is exactly why I wanted to sit down with Sarah Elder on Don’t F*kn Shrink.

Sarah spent 17 years helping build and lead a $20 million art consulting company, eventually serving as COO and CEO.

She was successful. She was respected. She loved many aspects of her work.

And then she made a decision that many high-achieving women are terrified to even consider.

She walked away.

Not because she failed.

Not because someone pushed her out.

But because she realized that success wasn’t the same thing as fulfillment.

And I think her story might be exactly what some of you need to hear.

What Happens When You Reach the Top and Realize It’s Not Your Dream?

Here’s what makes Sarah’s story so compelling.

She wasn’t trapped in some miserable corporate job.

She worked in a creative industry, helping bring artwork into hotels and resorts around the world. She had meaningful relationships, exciting responsibilities, and the opportunity to grow into an exceptional leader.

She helped build something extraordinary.

But after 17 years, she started asking herself a question.

Whose dream am I building?

And that’s where things get interesting.

Because I think so many successful women have spent decades becoming really, really good at fulfilling expectations.

We’re good at meeting goals.

We’re good at identifying opportunities.

We’re good at making other people’s visions happen.

But sometimes we’re so busy building the business, leading the team, growing the organization, or supporting everyone else’s ambitions that we forget to ask what we actually want.

Sarah loved what she helped create.

But it wasn’t originally her dream.

And eventually, that distinction mattered.

During our conversation, I compared it to being the nanny instead of the parent.

You can love something. You can nurture it, help it grow, and invest years of your life in it.

But that doesn’t automatically mean it belongs in your next chapter.

And just because you’ve invested 17 years in something doesn’t mean you owe it the next 17.

Your past success is not a contract requiring you to stay the same person forever.

Read that again.

Because for some of us, the hardest thing isn’t achieving success.

It’s giving ourselves permission to redefine it.

The High-Achieving Woman’s Trap: Constantly Optimizing Yourself

This was one of my favorite parts of our conversation because Sarah and I see the same pattern in the women we work with.

They’re accomplished.

They’re intelligent.

They’re ambitious.

And they’re absolutely exhausted from trying to become even better versions of themselves.

Another leadership course.

Another certification.

Another business book.

Another productivity system.

Another morning routine designed to squeeze more performance out of every waking minute.

At some point, when does personal development become personal punishment?

I asked Sarah about the women who are constantly optimizing themselves, almost as if they’re products instead of people.

And she immediately recognized what I was describing.

Women who know they’re doing it.

Women who are tired of doing it.

Women who want to stop.

But women who are also afraid that if they stop improving, they’ll fall behind.

That fear is powerful.

Because when your identity is wrapped up in being exceptional, being ordinary for five minutes can feel uncomfortable.

Rest starts to feel irresponsible.

Pleasure starts to feel unproductive.

And doing something simply because you enjoy it starts to feel like wasted potential.

What the actual fuck?

When did we decide every hour of our lives had to deliver a return on investment?

Sarah offered an idea that I absolutely loved.

Instead of spending your next free hour listening to another business audiobook, what if you went for a walk and listened to music?

Not a podcast teaching you how to improve.

Not a masterclass.

Just music.

Imagine that.

You do not have to turn every moment of your existence into an opportunity for professional development.

You have already developed.

You have already achieved.

You have already proven that you can do hard things.

Now, what would it look like to actually enjoy being you?

You’re Not a Product. You’re a Person.

There was a moment in this conversation when I said something that I want every ambitious woman to consider:

If your contribution to the world is superseding your own experience of living in it, something needs to change.

I see this in my work as a performance coach.

Women who have built extraordinary careers but have become disconnected from their bodies, their relationships, their energy, and their own needs.

They know how to manage everyone else’s priorities.

But they haven’t made themselves one.

And here’s the thing.

Your body doesn’t exist separately from your career.

Your health isn’t something you address after the big project, after the promotion, or after you’ve finally reached some imaginary finish line.

Your work is part of your life.

And your life is part of your health.

The way you spend your time matters.

The pressure you put on yourself matters.

The space you create for relationships, movement, recovery, creativity, and joy matters.

You cannot keep asking your body to support a life that never makes room for you.

And I don’t believe the solution is another productivity hack.

I think the solution starts with asking a much more meaningful question.

What am I working so hard for if I don’t have time to experience any of it?

Walking Away Isn’t Failure. Sometimes It’s Leadership.

One thing I appreciated about Sarah was her honesty about the journey.

Her decision didn’t happen overnight.

She experienced enormous professional and personal changes, including the death of the company’s founder, private equity acquisition, the integration of a competitor, the pandemic, and a difficult divorce.

Over time, those experiences pushed her to consider what she wanted the rest of her life to look like.

She also began recognizing something important about herself.

Her greatest strength wasn’t simply running a successful business.

It was seeing people.

Developing leaders.

Asking difficult questions.

Holding people accountable.

Helping them recognize what they were capable of becoming.

A mentor helped her see that strength more clearly.

And eventually, she chose to build a business around it.

Today, Sarah works as an executive coach and strategic advisor, bringing the perspective of someone who has actually sat in the leadership seat.

I love that.

Because there’s something incredibly powerful about recognizing that the skills you’ve spent decades developing can serve you in a completely different way.

Your experience doesn’t disappear when you change direction.

It becomes part of what makes your next chapter possible.

And sometimes leadership means having the courage to make a decision that other people might not understand.

You don’t need to hate your career to leave it.

You don’t need to be burned out to change it.

You don’t need to wait until your health, relationships, or happiness are suffering before you give yourself permission to want something different.

You are allowed to make a change simply because you’ve changed.

And no, that doesn’t mean every woman should quit her job.

For some of you, the next chapter might happen right where you are.

It might mean changing your responsibilities, setting boundaries, delegating, or creating a schedule that actually supports your life.

The point isn’t to walk away from success.

It’s to stop allowing someone else’s definition of success to make all your decisions.

At Some Point, Your Time Becomes More Valuable Than Another Achievement

Sarah and I talked about something that tends to become increasingly clear as we move through our careers.

In our twenties and early thirties, many of us are learning, experimenting, making mistakes, and building the skills that eventually become our professional value.

We’re doing the work.

We’re figuring things out.

We’re learning what kind of leaders we want to become.

But eventually, something shifts.

We have experience.

We have judgment.

We have knowledge that can’t be replicated by another certification or weekend workshop.

And yet, so many women continue operating as though their value is measured by how much they can personally accomplish in a day.

I see women who can lead multimillion-dollar organizations but feel guilty delegating a task.

Women who manage enormous teams but believe they should handle every responsibility at home.

Women who can make complicated strategic decisions but struggle to give themselves permission to take an afternoon off.

Why?

Sarah talked about deliberately removing the tasks she doesn’t enjoy so she has more room for the things she does.

That might mean delegating work.

Hiring support where it’s financially possible.

Changing how responsibilities are shared at home.

Or simply deciding that something doesn’t need to be done at all.

This isn’t about believing we’re too important for ordinary tasks.

It’s about recognizing that our time and energy are finite.

And if we fill every available hour with obligations, there’s no space left for curiosity, creativity, relationships, or joy.

I experienced a version of this during COVID.

When I suddenly wasn’t spending hours in the car, my first instinct was to figure out how to fill that time with more work.

More clients.

More projects.

More productivity.

But something unexpected happened when I stopped trying to fill every minute.

I became more creative.

I became clearer.

I had energy to think.

The space I thought I needed to fill was actually something I needed to protect.

And that changed the way I thought about success.

Sometimes the most valuable thing you can add to your life is space.

Happiness Requires Action, Not Another Promotion

Toward the end of our conversation, Sarah said something that became my biggest takeaway from the episode.

She had intentionally created more happiness in her life.

Not by waiting for happiness to arrive.

But by making decisions that supported it.

She wanted more freedom to spend time in her garden, pick up her kids from school, take walks with them, travel, enjoy time with her partner, and occasionally sit on the couch watching television without turning it into a productivity exercise.

And she still loves working.

That’s an important distinction.

This isn’t a conversation about abandoning ambition.

It’s about making sure ambition isn’t the only thing you’re allowed to have.

Sarah realized that joy and pleasure deserved to be priorities, too.

And she took action to create space for them.

I think that’s where so many high-achieving women get stuck.

We’re waiting for the next thing to make us happy.

The next raise.

The next promotion.

The next vacation.

The next relationship.

The next business milestone.

But what happens when you get there and immediately move the finish line again?

What if happiness isn’t waiting at the next level?

What if it’s something you need to start making room for right now?

Sarah reminded me that high-achieving women are already exceptionally good at taking action.

We know how to make a plan.

We know how to execute.

We know how to create results.

So what if we used some of that incredible ability to create lives we actually love?

Not just careers we’re proud of.

Lives we want to wake up to.

Five Questions Every High-Achieving Woman Needs to Ask Herself

If you’re reading this and something is hitting a little too close to home, I want you to get curious.

Not about how to become more productive.

About how to become more connected to your own life.

Start here.

1. Am I still pursuing my dream, or am I exceptionally good at fulfilling someone else’s?

There’s nothing wrong with helping build another person’s vision. But make sure you’ve made room to discover your own.

2. What am I doing simply because I’ve always done it?

Sometimes our routines and responsibilities survive long after they’ve stopped serving us.

3. Where am I confusing productivity with self-worth?

Pay attention to the moments when you feel guilty resting or uncomfortable doing something that has no measurable outcome.

4. What could I remove, delegate, or change to create more space?

Look at your calendar and your responsibilities. What is taking energy away from the things you care about most?

5. If I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone, what would I want my life to look like?

This one might be the hardest.

Because it asks you to imagine a life that isn’t organized around external validation.

But it might also be the most important.

You don’t have to answer everything today.

You don’t have to quit your job tomorrow.

You don’t have to make some enormous, dramatic change.

Start by telling yourself the truth.

And then make one decision that reflects it.

You Didn’t Work This Hard to Become a Prisoner of Your Own Success

Here’s what I want you to take away from my conversation with Sarah Elder.

You can love your career and want more from your life.

You can be grateful for everything you’ve accomplished and still decide that something needs to change.

You can be ambitious and make rest a priority.

You can be an extraordinary leader without making your job your entire identity.

And you can choose yourself without erasing the value of everything that came before.

You don’t have to keep earning the right to enjoy your own life.

You’ve spent years learning how to perform, produce, build, and achieve.

Maybe now it’s time to get equally intentional about how you want to live.

Because at the end of the day, I don’t want women to simply be successful.

I want us to be healthy.

Connected.

Curious.

Fulfilled.

And really fucking alive.

You’re not a product. You’re a person.

And your life deserves more than another performance review.

Don’t F*kn Shrink.

Health & Happiness,
Daffney

Listen to the Full Conversation With Sarah Elder

If you’re a high-achieving woman who’s questioning whether the career you’ve built still fits the life you want, this episode is for you.

Sarah and I dig into what it means to walk away from a successful leadership career, stop endlessly optimizing yourself, reclaim your time, develop your own definition of success, and take intentional action toward happiness.

It’s a conversation for the executive who’s quietly asking, Is this really all there is?

For the entrepreneur who can’t remember the last time she took a day off without guilt.

And for the woman who has achieved everything she thought she wanted but is finally ready to ask what she wants next.

Listen to this episode of Don’t F*kn Shrink with Sarah Elder. Your next chapter might begin with a very different definition of success.

You can also connect with Sarah at sarahelder.com and explore her Substack, I Make the Rules, where she writes about leadership, happiness, burnout, and creating a life on your own terms.