To the woman who just had a baby and doesn’t quite recognize herself anymore: I want you to know that you’re still in there. You’re growing into someone new, and you deserve support every step of the way.

We spend so much time preparing women for pregnancy.

We talk about the nursery.

The baby registry.

The birth plan.

The breastfeeding classes.

The adorable little outfits that our babies will probably wear once before growing out of them.

But what about the woman who comes home with that baby?

What about her body?

Her hormones?

Her mental health?

Her relationship?

Her identity?

What about the fact that she has just experienced one of the most physically and emotionally transformative events of her life?

And now she’s expected to figure out motherhood while recovering, managing enormous changes, and operating on approximately three hours of sleep.

Ladies, we need to talk about postpartum.

Not just the beautiful parts.

Not just the Instagram-worthy moments.

The real experience.

Because bringing a baby into the world shouldn’t mean disappearing from your own life.

That’s why I sat down with Dr. Ashley Odom-Rodrigues, a postpartum therapist and clinical sexologist, for this episode of Don’t F*kn Shrink.

Ashley is a mother herself, and she shared how experiencing postpartum anxiety led her to pursue additional training in maternal mental health.

Imagine that.

She was already a therapist, and when postpartum anxiety became part of her own motherhood journey, she realized there was so much she hadn’t been taught about it.

That alone tells us something about the gaps in postpartum education.

And as someone who experienced postpartum depression myself, this conversation was deeply personal.

I Had Postpartum Depression, and Most People Had No Idea

Here’s something that surprises people when I tell them.

I experienced postpartum depression.

And I was still working.

I was still seeing clients.

I was still showing up and doing my best to be the person everyone knew me to be.

But by five o’clock in the evening, I could be in tears.

I felt overwhelmed by emotional changes I couldn’t simply control.

And because I was still functioning in so many areas of my life, people didn’t necessarily recognize what I was experiencing.

I think this is important for women to understand.

Postpartum depression doesn’t always look like a woman who can’t get out of bed.

Sometimes it looks like a woman who’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

She’s feeding the baby.

She’s answering emails.

She’s making dinner.

She’s smiling when people visit.

And inside, she’s struggling.

When I had my second baby, I knew I needed to prepare differently.

I had learned enough from my first experience to recognize that postpartum mental health deserved a place in my plan.

Not just diapers and feeding schedules.

Actual support.

I spoke with my physician, who offered therapy and medication as options.

For me, talk therapy was enough at that time.

But that doesn’t mean it’s enough for every woman.

And that’s one of the most important things Ashley and I discussed.

There isn’t one correct way to experience postpartum recovery.

And there isn’t one treatment that works for everyone.

You deserve care that responds to what you’re actually experiencing, not what someone thinks motherhood should look like.

Postpartum Recovery Doesn’t End at Six Weeks

Can we please talk about the six-week postpartum appointment?

Because somehow we’ve created this idea that six weeks is the finish line.

You deliver a baby.

You recover.

You go to your appointment.

And then what?

Congratulations! You’re apparently supposed to know how to do everything now.

Except that’s not how motherhood works.

Physical healing can take longer than six weeks, and emotional adjustment doesn’t follow a neat calendar.

Ashley shared that, in her clinical experience, many women reach out for mental health support around three to four months postpartum.

And when you think about what’s happening during that period, it makes sense.

The early visitors have gone home.

The meal train has ended.

Your partner may have returned to work.

You might be returning to work yourself.

Your baby’s sleep and feeding patterns may be changing.

And the support you had in those first weeks may no longer be there.

Suddenly, you’re expected to manage a tremendous amount on your own.

Ashley also notices women seeking support later in the first year, including around changes in breastfeeding or weaning.

Hormonal changes, sleep disruption, relationship pressures, and the demands of caregiving can all influence mental health during this time.

Those experiences vary from person to person, and there isn’t a universal three-month hormonal crash.

But there is a message worth remembering:

Just because everyone else has moved on from your baby’s arrival doesn’t mean your postpartum needs have disappeared.

You are allowed to need support at three months.

At six months.

At a year.

Or whenever symptoms arise.

There is no expiration date on asking for help.

Baby Blues, Postpartum Depression, and Anxiety: Know the Difference

One of the things Ashley and I talked about was how confusing postpartum mental health can be.

We hear terms like baby blues.

Postpartum depression.

Postpartum anxiety.

Postpartum psychosis.

But what do they actually mean?

The baby blues usually involve temporary mood changes, tearfulness, irritability, or feeling overwhelmed during the first days after childbirth. They generally improve within about two weeks.

Postpartum depression involves more persistent or significant symptoms, which may include sadness, loss of interest, hopelessness, guilt, or difficulty functioning.

Postpartum anxiety can involve excessive worry, racing thoughts, physical tension, or feeling constantly on alert.

And postpartum psychosis, although rare, is a psychiatric emergency that can involve delusions, hallucinations, confusion, or severely disrupted thinking and behavior.

These conditions aren’t interchangeable, and they don’t all require the same treatment.

But they do deserve recognition.

If symptoms persist, intensify, or interfere with your daily life, please talk with a healthcare professional.

And if you or someone you love experiences signs of postpartum psychosis, seek emergency medical care immediately.

I don’t want women trying to diagnose themselves through social media.

I want women to have access to qualified professionals who listen, evaluate their symptoms, and help them find appropriate care.

Because motherhood should never require you to suffer in silence.

Why Sleep Is a Postpartum Mental Health Issue

I loved that Ashley brought up sleep.

Because we have somehow normalized the idea that mothers should function indefinitely without it.

Think about that.

We recognize that severe sleep deprivation affects concentration, mood, emotional regulation, and physical health.

But when a woman has a newborn, we act like exhaustion is simply part of the job description.

Of course, interrupted sleep is common with a new baby.

But that doesn’t make sleep unimportant.

Ashley emphasized how deeply a lack of sleep can affect mental health.

And I think this is where we need to change our expectations.

Instead of asking a mother how much she’s accomplishing, maybe we should ask how much rest she’s getting.

Instead of praising her for doing everything, maybe we should help her do fewer things alone.

Instead of assuming she can handle another responsibility, maybe we should ask what she needs.

And for the mothers reading this:

You do not have to prove you’re a good mother by running yourself into the ground.

Rest is not a reward for completing your responsibilities.

It’s a basic human need.

And your need for sleep doesn’t become less important because someone else depends on you.

Getting Help Doesn’t Make You Less of a Mother

When I shared my postpartum depression experience with Ashley, we talked about how intimidating treatment can feel.

Especially medication.

For some women, the idea of taking medication while breastfeeding creates additional worry.

Others fear that needing medication means something is permanently wrong with them.

And some simply believe they should be able to get through it on their own.

I understand those concerns.

I had them myself.

But here’s something I want women to remember.

Treatment isn’t a moral judgment.

It isn’t a measure of how much you love your baby.

And it isn’t evidence that you’re failing at motherhood.

For some women, psychotherapy is helpful.

For others, medication may be recommended.

Some benefit from a combination of approaches, along with practical support and attention to sleep.

Certain medications can be used during breastfeeding when clinically appropriate, and a qualified prescriber can help weigh the benefits and risks.

You deserve that conversation.

Not shame.

Not fear.

Not the expectation that you should somehow figure everything out alone.

Accepting help is one way of taking responsibility for your health.

And your health matters.

Your Partner Doesn’t Have to Parent Exactly Like You

Now, this part of our conversation really resonated with me.

Because Ashley brought up something that I think a lot of mothers struggle with.

Letting go of control.

You know what I’m talking about.

You have figured out how to soothe the baby.

You know the feeding routine.

You know which cry means hungry, which means tired, and which means everyone in the house is about to have a very long night.

And then your partner steps in.

And they do it differently.

Maybe they hold the baby differently.

Maybe they take longer.

Maybe they’re figuring things out in a way that makes absolutely no sense to you.

And every instinct in your body says:

Just give me the baby. I’ll do it.

But Ashley made such an important point.

We learned how to care for our babies by doing it.

Our partners need opportunities to learn, too.

That doesn’t mean ignoring a baby’s safety or leaving someone unsupported.

It means allowing a capable, attentive partner to develop confidence and caregiving skills without constantly being corrected.

Sometimes that means stepping away for a few minutes.

Taking a walk.

Having a shower.

Letting someone else figure out the burping technique.

Because you are not the only person capable of loving and caring for your child.

And you shouldn’t have to be.

I remember how important it was to me that my husband could feed our daughters, too.

I wanted him to have that connection.

That bond.

That opportunity to be fully involved.

And I love seeing more fathers and partners embrace active caregiving.

Because parenting should be a shared responsibility whenever that support is available.

You don’t have to carry every part of motherhood to prove how much you love your child.

Postpartum Changes Your Relationship, Too

Ashley and I also talked about something that doesn’t get nearly enough attention.

What happens to your relationship after having a baby?

Because let’s be honest.

Everything changes.

Your schedule changes.

Your priorities change.

Your body changes.

Your capacity for intimacy may change.

And the person you were before becoming a mother is not exactly the person you are afterward.

Neither is your partner.

I joked with Ashley that my husband and I are probably on our third marriage.

To the same person!

And I mean that in the best possible way.

We’ve been together through different chapters.

Different versions of ourselves.

Different responsibilities.

And we have had to keep learning how to be partners as our lives evolved.

Ashley talked about the importance of allowing your partner to grow and change.

I loved that.

Because sometimes we enter relationships with an expectation that the person we chose will always remain the same.

But that’s not how life works.

We grow.

We learn.

We become parents.

We experience challenges.

We change our minds.

We discover new parts of ourselves.

A healthy relationship needs room for that evolution.

And postpartum can be one of the biggest opportunities to learn how to grow together.

The Power of Micro-Intimacy

One of my favorite concepts Ashley shared was micro-connection.

Because telling exhausted new parents to schedule more date nights can sound wonderful in theory.

But in reality?

Who’s watching the baby?

Who’s getting up for the next feeding?

Who’s doing the laundry?

And who’s staying awake long enough to enjoy the date?

Ashley talked about finding small moments of connection instead.

A hug in the kitchen.

Holding hands.

A shared laugh.

A moment of appreciation.

Taking a deep breath together.

Tiny gestures that remind you you’re still on the same team.

My husband and I have our own version of this.

We call it our love language of crafted espresso beverages.

Seriously.

When one of us is struggling, the other makes coffee.

It’s not really about the espresso.

It’s about saying:

I see you.

I know you’re tired.

I’m here.

And sometimes that’s exactly what we need.

Ashley also shared how she and her husband found humor in the middle of nighttime feedings with their twins.

They’d turn burping the babies into a little competition.

And I love that.

Because not every meaningful moment of intimacy needs to be romantic or elaborate.

Sometimes connection happens at three o’clock in the morning when you’re both exhausted and laughing at the absurdity of your lives.

Small moments of connection still count.

And they can help remind us that we’re navigating this chapter together.

You Are Allowed to Become a Different Woman

Here’s the part of postpartum that I think deserves more celebration.

You are changing.

And that isn’t automatically a bad thing.

Yes, motherhood can be overwhelming.

Yes, it can challenge your identity.

Yes, there may be days when you miss the freedom or predictability of your old life.

But you are also developing new skills.

New perspectives.

New strengths.

New relationships.

New ways of understanding yourself.

I don’t believe motherhood should require us to abandon who we were.

But I also don’t believe we should expect ourselves to remain exactly the same.

Ashley described becoming a mother as crossing a kind of portal.

And I think that’s such a powerful image.

Because once you’ve experienced this transformation, your life may look different.

Your priorities may shift.

Your relationships may evolve.

And you may discover things about yourself that you never knew before.

The challenge is allowing yourself to grow without believing you’ve lost your value outside of motherhood.

You are still a woman with needs.

With dreams.

With opinions.

With a body that deserves care.

With a future that belongs to you.

Motherhood can become part of your identity without becoming the only thing that defines you.

Five Ways to Support Yourself During Postpartum

If you’re currently navigating postpartum, I don’t want you leaving this conversation with another overwhelming list of things you’re supposed to accomplish.

I want you to feel encouraged to make room for yourself.

1. Tell someone how you’re really feeling.

Not just how the baby is sleeping or eating.

How are you doing?

If you’re struggling, tell your healthcare provider, therapist, or someone you trust. You deserve to be heard.

2. Make a plan for support beyond the first few weeks.

Think about what you may need when visitors leave, your partner returns to work, or feeding routines change.

Support shouldn’t disappear just because your baby is getting older.

3. Protect opportunities for sleep and recovery.

When possible, share caregiving responsibilities, accept practical help, and discuss persistent sleep difficulties with a healthcare professional.

4. Let other trusted caregivers develop their skills.

You don’t have to supervise every diaper change or feeding. Sharing responsibility can create space for your recovery and strengthen your support system.

5. Stay connected to the woman you are becoming.

Make room for your interests, your relationships, and your own needs—even if that space looks different than it did before motherhood.

You don’t have to reclaim your entire pre-baby life.

You can build a new one that includes you.

To Every Mother Who Feels Like She’s Losing Herself

I want to end with something I wish more women heard before they had their babies.

You don’t have to love every moment of motherhood to be a loving mother.

You can be grateful for your baby and still feel overwhelmed.

You can love your family and still need time to yourself.

You can be an incredible parent and still need therapy.

You can have a supportive partner and still experience postpartum depression or anxiety.

You can feel confident one day and completely uncertain the next.

And you can ask for help without apologizing for needing it.

Motherhood is a tremendous transformation.

But it shouldn’t mean that your needs become invisible.

I don’t want women spending their postpartum years believing that the only way to be a good mother is to sacrifice every part of themselves.

I want us to build families where mothers are supported.

Where partners participate.

Where mental health is taken seriously.

Where women are encouraged to speak honestly about their experiences.

And where becoming a mother doesn’t mean shrinking into a smaller version of yourself.

Because the woman you are becoming deserves just as much love and attention as the baby you’re raising.

You are not just here to help your child grow. You are still growing, too.

And that deserves to be celebrated.

So give yourself permission to ask for help.

Give yourself permission to evolve.

Give yourself permission to take care of your mental health.

And whatever you do—

Don’t F*kn Shrink.

With love,

Daffney
Host of Don’t F*kn Shrink Podcast

Listen to Don’t F*kn Shrink With Dr. Ashley Odom-Rodrigues

If you’re pregnant, newly postpartum, navigating motherhood, or supporting a woman through this chapter, this conversation is for you.

Dr. Ashley Odom-Rodrigues and I discuss postpartum depression and anxiety, the emotional changes that can occur after childbirth, why support often disappears too soon, the importance of sleep, sharing parenting responsibilities, and finding connection with your partner.

We also explore how motherhood transforms our identities and why women deserve support as they grow into this new chapter.

Listen to the full episode of Don’t F*kn Shrink with Dr. Ashley Odom-Rodrigues, and share it with a mother who needs to hear that she matters, too.

You can find Dr. Ashley Odom-Rodrigues on Instagram and learn more about her therapy practice and educational work.

If you need postpartum mental health support, Postpartum Support International offers resources at postpartum.net. In the United States, you can also call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). If there is immediate danger, severe confusion, hallucinations, or thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, seek emergency help.