Influencer turned Impactor, Sara Wiles is challenging us all.

You don’t have to be fearless to use your voice. You just have to decide that staying silent costs too much.

There comes a moment in a woman’s life when she has to ask herself a really uncomfortable question:

How much of myself am I willing to sacrifice to make other people comfortable?

How many times have I swallowed my opinion to keep the peace? How many times have I made myself smaller so someone else wouldn’t feel threatened? How many opportunities have I talked myself out of because I was afraid of what people might think?

And how many times have I mistaken being liked for being true to myself?

I’ve been thinking about these questions a lot lately. And after my conversation with Sara Wiles on Don’t F*kn Shrink, I am even more convinced of something I’ve believed for a long time:

Women don’t need permission to take up space. We need to stop waiting for it.

Sara is the kind of woman who reminds you what happens when you stop trying to be palatable and start showing up as yourself. She’s smart, outspoken, funny, compassionate, and completely unwilling to pretend she doesn’t care about the things that matter to her.

But what I loved most about our conversation wasn’t her confidence.

It was her honesty about how she got there.

Because Sara didn’t wake up one morning magically immune to criticism. She didn’t suddenly stop caring what people thought. She didn’t wait until she had the perfect plan, the perfect words, or the perfect amount of courage.

She started speaking.

And then she kept speaking.

That’s where everything changed.

The Moment You Realize Staying Silent Is No Longer an Option

Sara shared a deeply personal moment with me. In the aftermath of the 2024 presidential election, she sat outside on her deck with her elementary-school-aged son and her dog, crying.

Her son was old enough to understand what was happening. She was overwhelmed by what it could mean for the people she cared about and the communities she believed deserved protection.

Sara had spent years volunteering for political campaigns and doing behind-the-scenes work. She had experience in digital marketing and was comfortable on camera. But she hadn’t really stepped into the public-facing role she would eventually embrace.

During a retreat in Mexico, she spent time journaling, reflecting, and asking herself a question that so many of us have asked at one time or another:

What can I do?

The answer wasn’t a complicated business strategy. It wasn’t a five-year plan. It wasn’t a guarantee that everything would work out.

It was simple.

Use your voice, girl.

So she did.

She began speaking publicly about the issues that mattered to her. One post became another. People started listening. A community began to form. And the topics that once felt scary to say out loud gradually became a natural part of who she was online.

That’s what happens when we give ourselves permission to begin.

We don’t necessarily become braver before we act. Sometimes, we become braver because we act.

We discover that the thing we were afraid to do is something we can do again. And again. And again.

You don’t have to feel ready to take the first step. You have to take the first step to discover what you’re capable of.

Your Voice Is Not the Problem

One of the things Sara said that really stayed with me was that people who meet her in person often tell her she’s the same person they see online.

Think about that for a minute.

How many of us have different versions of ourselves for different rooms?

The version our family gets. The version our coworkers get. The version we show on social media. The version we keep tucked away because we’re afraid it might be too much.

Too opinionated. Too ambitious. Too loud. Too emotional. Too political. Too different.

We’ve been taught, in so many subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that being a good woman means knowing how to make ourselves comfortable for everyone else.

Don’t make a scene.

Don’t offend anybody.

Don’t be difficult.

Don’t talk about that.

Don’t be too much.

And somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned to edit ourselves before anyone else had the chance.

But here’s the thing: when you spend your life editing yourself to fit other people’s expectations, eventually you can lose sight of the person you’re trying so hard to protect.

Your authentic self.

Your actual beliefs.

Your ambition.

Your joy.

Your voice.

Sara said something that I want every woman to remember: showing up authentically will attract some people and repel others.

Both will happen.

And that’s okay.

Not everybody is going to like you. Not everybody is going to understand you. Some people will misunderstand you on purpose. Others will simply see the world differently.

The goal isn’t to be universally liked. The goal is to stop abandoning yourself in exchange for approval.

Let that land.

You can be kind without being quiet. You can be compassionate without being compliant. You can listen to other perspectives without pretending you don’t have one of your own.

You can be a good woman without being an agreeable woman.

And you can be a girl’s girl without shrinking yourself to make another person feel bigger.

What If People Stop Liking You?

Let’s be honest. This is the part that gets uncomfortable.

It’s easy to tell women to speak their truth. It’s a lot harder to acknowledge what speaking your truth can cost.

Sometimes it costs a friendship. Sometimes it changes a family relationship. Sometimes you find out that the community you thought would support you only welcomed you as long as you didn’t challenge anything.

Sometimes the consequences are professional. Sometimes they’re personal. And sometimes the fear of those consequences is enough to keep us silent for years.

Sara talked about how much harder it would have been for her to stand in her truth when she was younger. She knew what she believed, but she wasn’t yet comfortable with the possibility that some people would love her for those beliefs while others would think terribly of her.

Today, she can accept that reality in a way she couldn’t before.

I think a lot of women understand that shift.

At some point, we begin to realize that protecting everybody else’s opinion of us is an exhausting, impossible job.

We cannot control what other people think. We cannot make everybody understand our intentions. And we cannot build an authentic life around the constant possibility of someone else’s disapproval.

So we have a choice.

We can spend our lives trying to manage other people’s reactions, or we can start deciding what kind of life we actually want to live.

That doesn’t mean we stop caring about people. It doesn’t mean we become reckless with our words or dismissive of the impact we have.

It means we stop confusing accountability with approval.

We can be willing to learn, willing to listen, and willing to change our minds without making ourselves smaller simply because someone disagrees with us.

And we can accept that doing the right thing doesn’t always mean doing the popular thing.

You cannot build a life around your values if you’re constantly negotiating them away for acceptance.

You Don’t Need a Million Followers to Make a Difference

Here’s another thing I loved about my conversation with Sara: her understanding that influence isn’t limited to people with enormous platforms.

Yes, Sara is building an online community. Yes, she’s using her experience in digital marketing to amplify important conversations. But her message wasn’t that everybody needs to become an influencer.

Her message was that everybody has something to contribute.

You don’t need a massive following.

You don’t need a perfect personal brand.

You don’t need to be an expert on every issue.

And you certainly don’t need to become the loudest person in the room.

You just need to figure out where you can make a difference and begin there.

Sara encouraged people to choose one cause that matters deeply to them. It might be reproductive rights, disability advocacy, LGBTQ+ equality, racial justice, environmental protection, animal welfare, or another issue that speaks to their values.

Pick one.

Find an organization in your community. Reach out. Ask what they need.

And then offer what you have.

Are you good with spreadsheets? Offer an hour of your time. Do you have experience with social media? Help a small organization communicate its message. Are you great at organizing events? Volunteer to help coordinate one. Can you offer childcare to a person doing important community work? That matters, too.

Your contribution doesn’t have to look like somebody else’s.

And it doesn’t have to be enormous to be meaningful.

Sara made another important point: not everyone is ready or able to be publicly outspoken. For some women, their community is also their safety net. Their fear of losing that community is real.

We need to have compassion for that.

Not every act of courage has to be public. Not every woman has to become a political commentator or put a controversial opinion on Instagram.

Sometimes resistance looks like changing where you spend your money. Sometimes it looks like volunteering quietly. Sometimes it looks like having one honest conversation with someone you love. Sometimes it looks like supporting the woman who is brave enough to speak when you aren’t ready to do so yourself.

And sometimes it simply means refusing to participate in something you know is wrong.

You don’t have to do everything. You just have to stop telling yourself that you can do nothing.

That is how change begins.

Your Uncomfortable 1% Is Where the Magic Happens

At Don’t Fuckin’ Shrink, I talk a lot about taking that first step toward the person you’re becoming.

I call it your 1%.

Not the giant leap. Not the complete reinvention. Not the dramatic announcement that you’re changing your entire life by Monday morning.

Just the next small step.

Because sometimes we make growth so intimidating that we talk ourselves out of it before we even begin.

We tell ourselves we need more confidence, more experience, more money, more time, more clarity.

We need to know exactly what we’re doing before we do it.

But what if we stopped making readiness a requirement?

What if we allowed ourselves to be beginners?

What if we accepted that discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doing something wrong? Sometimes, it simply means we’re doing something unfamiliar.

If you want to grow your business, post the video.

If you want to share your perspective, write the post.

If you want to advocate for a cause, attend the meeting.

If you want to change careers, make the call.

If you’ve been hiding a part of yourself because you’re afraid of what people will say, consider one small way you can begin bringing that part of yourself into the light.

You don’t have to tell the whole world everything about you tomorrow.

You just have to take one step toward living in greater alignment with who you are.

And then another.

And then another.

The magic isn’t always in the leap. It’s in what happens when you prove to yourself, over and over, that you can keep going.

Stop Letting Other People’s Insecurities Set Your Limits

Let’s talk about criticism.

Because the minute you start showing up differently, someone will probably have something to say about it.

Someone will tell you that you’re too loud. Someone will question your motives. Someone will suggest you should stick to what you know. Someone will tell you that your opinion is unnecessary, your ambition is unrealistic, or your presence is somehow offensive.

And if you’re a woman who has spent years trying to make everybody happy, those comments can hit hard.

But I want you to remember something.

There is a difference between constructive feedback and criticism designed to keep you in your place.

We should always be willing to listen, learn, and take responsibility for our actions. We should care about the impact we have on others.

But we do not have to treat every negative opinion as a verdict on our worth.

Sara shared a quote often associated with Theodore Roosevelt, made famous in modern conversations about vulnerability and courage: the passage about the person who is actually in the arena.

The person who is trying.

The person who is showing up.

The person who is willing to risk failure, make mistakes, learn, and try again.

That is the person doing the work.

It is easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize somebody else’s effort. It is much harder to put yourself out there, knowing that you might get it wrong.

So when criticism comes, ask yourself:

Is there something useful here that I need to hear?

Or am I allowing somebody else’s discomfort with my visibility to determine whether I keep going?

Those are two very different things.

You don’t need to dismiss every critic. But you do need to stop handing every critic the power to decide who you become.

You can take feedback seriously without taking every opinion personally.

And if somebody doesn’t like the fact that you’re growing, changing, learning, or speaking up, that doesn’t automatically mean you should stop.

Sometimes the discomfort is part of the process.

Keep going.

A Woman’s Voice Is a Tool. Use It.

One of the most honest parts of our conversation was when Sara and I talked about appearance, privilege, and the way women are perceived.

Sara acknowledged that conventional beauty standards can influence who gets attention and who gets heard. She also talked about how she thinks strategically about the advantages she has and how she can use them to draw attention to issues that matter.

I appreciated that honesty because these conversations are complicated.

Women are often judged by our appearance before anyone knows anything about our intelligence, our experience, or our character.

We can benefit from beauty standards in certain situations while also experiencing the limitations and expectations those same standards create. We can recognize our privileges without reducing our entire worth to them.

And we can decide what to do with the opportunities we have.

For me, the bigger lesson is this: whatever access, influence, experience, or resources you have, ask yourself how you can use them to make a difference.

Maybe you have a platform.

Maybe you have professional connections.

Maybe you have financial resources.

Maybe people listen when you speak because of your personality, your appearance, your credentials, or your position in a community.

Use what you have.

Not because you owe the world a perfect performance, but because your influence can be more than a vehicle for personal success.

It can open doors for other women.

It can introduce people to causes they didn’t know about.

It can amplify voices that aren’t being heard.

It can make someone feel less alone.

And when someone opens a door for you, consider holding it open for the next woman.

Sara told me about Nikki Vincere, a reproductive rights advocate who became an important source of support as Sara expanded her own public-facing work. Nikki recognized what Sara was doing and helped connect her with people and opportunities that could further her impact.

That’s what a real girl’s girl does.

She doesn’t see another woman’s success as a threat.

She doesn’t hoard information, connections, or opportunities to protect her own position.

She sees another woman doing meaningful work and asks, “How can I help?”

We need more of that.

More women making introductions. More women sharing resources. More women celebrating one another without turning everything into a competition. More women recognizing that somebody else’s light doesn’t make ours any dimmer.

When a woman opens a door for another woman, the impact can reach far beyond the two of them.

That’s influence.

That’s leadership.

And that’s the kind of power I want more women to claim.

You Are Allowed to Change Your Mind About Who You Are

Here’s something else I want us to talk about: the version of you that existed five, ten, or twenty years ago does not have to dictate the rest of your life.

Sara described herself as someone who had always cared deeply about politics and public service. She grew up around strong women who were never afraid to express their opinions.

But for years, she was more comfortable having those conversations privately than putting them in front of the public.

She was still becoming herself.

She was still figuring out how to stand in her beliefs without needing everyone to agree with her.

And then she reached a point where staying quiet no longer felt right.

That is allowed.

You are allowed to outgrow your old identity.

You’re allowed to change careers, start a business, become an advocate, leave a relationship, pursue a new passion, or decide that the things you once tolerated are no longer acceptable to you.

You’re allowed to become more outspoken.

You’re allowed to become more confident.

You’re allowed to discover that the thing you were once afraid to do is actually the thing you feel called to do.

And you’re allowed to do all of this without apologizing for the fact that you are evolving.

Growth can be uncomfortable for the people around us, especially when they have become accustomed to a version of us that asks for very little.

But their familiarity with your old self does not mean you have to stay there.

You can honor who you were while making room for who you’re becoming.

You don’t have to burn down your entire life to change its direction.

You just have to stop treating your past as a life sentence.

The Women Who Need You Are Waiting for You to Show Up

I keep coming back to something Sara said about community.

For some people, speaking up feels possible because they have a circle of friends who support them. They have people in their corner who remind them why their work matters when the criticism gets loud.

But not every woman has that.

Some women are surrounded by people who don’t share their values. Some are afraid of losing the only community they have. Some are trying to find their footing while managing work, children, caregiving, finances, and everything else life demands.

We need to remember that courage looks different depending on what someone is carrying.

And we need to build communities where women don’t have to be fearless to belong.

Communities where they can ask questions without being humiliated.

Where they can learn without being expected to know everything.

Where they can start small.

Where they can be honest about what scares them.

Where they can contribute in ways that fit their lives.

Where another woman’s success becomes a reason to celebrate, not a reason to compete.

This is what I want Don’t Fuckin’ Shrink to represent.

Not a demand that every woman become louder than she is comfortable being.

Not a challenge to abandon her safety, her boundaries, or her responsibilities.

But an invitation to stop abandoning herself.

Because there is room for the quiet woman and the outspoken woman. The woman with a huge platform and the woman making a difference in her neighborhood. The woman who leads from the front and the woman who makes everything possible behind the scenes.

There is room for all of us.

And we are stronger when we stop making each other feel like there isn’t.

Your Turn: What Is Your 1%?

So here’s what I want to leave you with.

You don’t have to become Sara Wiles. You don’t have to become me. You don’t have to become anybody other than the fullest, most honest version of yourself.

But I want you to think about where you’ve been shrinking.

Where are you holding back because you’re afraid of being judged?

Where are you staying quiet because you don’t want to disappoint somebody?

Where are you waiting for permission to do something you already know matters to you?

And what is one small thing you could do today to move closer to the life you actually want?

Maybe it’s posting the thing you’ve been afraid to share.

Maybe it’s finally asking for the opportunity.

Maybe it’s telling the truth in a conversation where you’ve always stayed silent.

Maybe it’s finding an organization that needs your help.

Maybe it’s reaching out to another woman and telling her that you see what she’s doing.

Or maybe it’s simply deciding that you are done measuring your worth by how comfortable you make everybody else.

Whatever it is, start there.

You don’t need to have the whole plan.

You don’t need to know how everyone will react.

You don’t need to wait until you’re completely fearless.

You just need to take your next step.

Because the world doesn’t need more women pretending to be someone they’re not.

It needs women who are willing to show up, use what they have, support one another, and keep going when things get uncomfortable.

Women who understand that courage isn’t the absence of fear.

It’s deciding that something matters more than the fear.

Women who know that they can be compassionate and courageous, vulnerable and powerful, kind and unapologetically honest.

Women who stop confusing being liked with being valuable.

Women who stop waiting for permission to take up space.

Women who hold the door open for the next woman.

Women who understand that their voices, their ideas, their experiences, and their presence matter.

Women who are ready to stop fucking shrinking.

Because this is your life. Your voice. Your opportunity to make an impact.

And you don’t have to wait another day to start using them.

Now I want to hear from you.

Where have you been shrinking? And what is your 1% going to be?

Tell me in the comments, share this with a woman who needs the reminder, and tag your favorite girl’s girl.

Let’s build a community where we stop competing for space and start making more of it.

Let’s keep opening doors.

Let’s keep showing up.

And let’s remind each other, every single day, that we were never meant to spend our lives making ourselves smaller.

Don’t F*kn Shrink